My friend John and I drove down to Mother Egan’s on West 6th Street to throw some darts. The girlfriend wasn’t feeling that great so she stayed at my mom’s house, where we were all staying over this festive Labor Day Holiday. Even John and his entire family was staying up in the Austin suburbs of Round Rock.
We got to the downtown Austin pub at 10pm and left right after 2am. I know we only had four pints and two shots; tequila as we left the bar and a SoCo lime earlier in the night. Over four hours that isn’t bad, especially considering we had a huge meal before we went out. We played five games of cricket and 12 songs on the jukebox.
After four games we were tied and I think he won the last one but he says I did. I got to hear all my songs on the jukebox but John missed the first two while he was outside smoking.
I remember feeling buzzed after the first beer, which is definitely unusual. I was pretty wasted when they ushered us out of the bar, towards the parking lot, and into our cars after closing. I’m not sure the route back I took but I know I drove very well.
As soon as the car was parked in the garage I must have just let myself go. That’s the last thing I remember. I had a weird dream about peeing in a suitcase but that’s all I remembered from the night. I made a joke about it to the girlfriend when I woke up and she didn’t think it was really that funny.
She said, “you don’t remember last night do you?” I was facing away from her and I’m sure my eyes were still closed when I was talking to her. I was in that great sleepy moment when you’re first waking up but pretty much still asleep. As soon as she said that my eyes shot wide open and a chill went through my body. Fuck! Did that really happen?
I turned around and looked at her. She didn’t look happy. I swallowed the lump in my throat and asked her what she was talking about. The last thing I remembered the night before was entering the house; she picked up the story right where I left off.
She said I came into the room at around 3am and I was all giggly and talkative. She said she thought it was cute but she knew I was wasted. She never gets to see me that way because if I’m that drunk, she’s even worse. This was one of those very rare occasions where I had been drinking and she was stone cold sober.
I guess I just stripped off my clothes and passed out next to her. So far so good.
A couple of hours later she wakes up to a weird noise. I’m out of bed and standing near the door. There’s a weird sound. She squints and tries to figure out what’s going on and then it hits her. I’m standing above her open suitcase, pissing right into it.
“Baby No! You’re peeing in my suitcase!” I guess I got annoyed that she was yelling at me. “I know I’m peeing! Well… (pausing and thinking) I didn’t know about the suitcase, but I knew I was peeing!”
She jumps up and leads me down the hall, past my mom’s bedroom and into the bathroom where I guess I shake out the last couple drops of piss. I flush and get back into bed. I’m ready to go back so sleep but for some reason the lights are on and she is doing something busy and noisy. I get annoyed and ask her why the hell the lights are on. Of course they’re on because she’s on her hands and knees cleaning up my trail of urine from her suitcase, out the door, down the hall and into the bathroom. I just pass out again and leave her to her work.
I apologized when I woke up and also begged her not to tell anyone. Of course by dinnertime everyone in the family knew what had happened and was making jokes. I blame that crazy homebrew we had. It was insane. There is no way four pints and two measly shots should have fucked me up like that in four hours. I cannot believe I drove home, I NEVER do that. I also blame the fact that the girlfriend and I slept downstairs in a room I’ve never even stayed in before. I think I was disoriented when I got up to hit the head. There were a lot of factors; it was the perfect storm.
I felt better learning that John did some fucked up stuff at the same time I was peeing in my girlfriend’s suitcase full of clean clothes. He made his way upstairs and into the bed I usually stay in. His wife Sunny was in the big king sized bed with their two youngest kids. The two older ones were also in the room but on little mats of the floor.
I’m amazed he didn’t accidentally step on someone coming in but I guess he didn’t. What he did do however are things he wouldn’t remember doing either. First of all I guess he was more of a man than me. I just passed out but John was in the mood for love. He climbed in bed and tried to persuade Sunny into a quickie before he went to bed. Of course she told him to go to bed.
“Come on baby, I’ll give it to you anyway you want it.” He tried his best but mind you, he’s saying this with all four of his children within eight feet of him. The oldest was 8 so there’s a chance she knew what he was talking about.
Sunny got John to just go to bed but when he got up a little while later to piss, he made it to the dresser, opened up a drawer and was just about to piss when Sunny stopped him.
I’m not sure what kind of trauma you’d get if you were a 5-year-old boy and you wake up to find your dad wasted, standing above you, pissing into a dresser drawer, possibly dripping on you as well.
So what Mother Egan put in her special brew is something pretty fucking scary. I’m not sure if it’s actually their beer or just some local microbrew but I’m staying the hell away. I don’t remember the name but I know it started with Sun, maybe Sunburst or Suncoast.
I was glad to hear that John did some messed up stuff too, it’s not like him. The fact that we both acted so strange really makes you wonder what the hell happened. I think they slipped us something. I really do.
Straight Guy in the Queer Skies 