I’m glad to hear that gay men have the same gripes and struggles in relationships that I do. Trey D. has been in New York for the past couple days and we’re discussing things in a dark corner at the Cock. I lived with him for a while in Austin in college and then he lived with GIRL for even longer. I didn’t want to talk about GIRL with him tonight, but he got it out of me after several drinks. He tried to last night, but I remained tight-lipped. It was good for me though, he didn’t say anything to help me out, but he did listen. I did the same when he went on about Julio and how they’re doing now that he dumped him due to Julio’s infidelity. They still live in the same building, that’s tough. Trey went on to say how he always knew he’d get AIDS, like it was just some unavoidable thing hovering over his head. He doesn’t have it yet but he still sees it as an inevitability. That was the most depressing thing I have ever heard and it really hit me hard how he must live his life dealing with that fear, rational or not. He’s the safest person I know, but still he knows he’s fighting an uphill battle living like that in the Castro district of San Francisco.
As much as he thinks he’s fucked, I think I’m invincible. I don’t know which is worse. We walk by a restaurant after we leave the bar. It’s the first time I have ever walked past it and I wanted to walk past it for a reason. It was the café that one-night-stand manages. As we causally stroll by I look in and see her looking at some papers. I tell Trey to keep walking and don’t explain what it was all about until we have anther couple drinks, again at Korova. That opens up a big can and poor Trey has to hear all about the faulty relationships in my life, love and friendship. Frank has been an asshole lately and I’ve been venting about that for a couple of days. It’s a long story and has been building for a while. Trey doesn’t know any of it so he has to hear the whole thing, full of background information and color commentary. That lasted several beers and a good chuck of the night.
I also brought up Sharon in Germany last month and having to share a bed with her and how frustrating that night was. I knew he’d be on board about the never getting any sleep when you’re interested in the person you’re sharing the bed with. He knew. He agreed. No matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you tell your brain that he/she said, “I just want to sleep”, your penis won’t let you. Oh, he/she turned over! What does that mean? I’ll stick out my leg a little in their direction and see if they’re coming my way. You always leave some part of your body about a centimeter away from the other person. You don’t want to initiate anything just in case they were being serious when they said they just wanted to sleep, but still you’re right there just in case and it’s not your fault if they move and rub against you. You can’t be blamed for that, now can you? In that situation I can’t even start to get drowsy until I hear snoring. Even then, if I hear repositioning, I’m like a coyote in the desert. My head will pop up, my ears will stand up straight, and all senses are on full alert. For some reason it was very warming to hear that Trey was the exact same way. I figured it’d be too easy for gay men. I guess that’s my naivety, but I figured if they’re comfortable enough with each other to be in the same bed, then why not mess around? I know how guys are and if there are two guys then it should be a given. I didn’t know that there was still uncertainty and nervousness. Of course it was naïve of me; people are people. And just as I know of some girls that swear they don’t want anything to happen but then get pissed off at you the next day for not trying anything the night before, there are gay men that say and do the exact same thing.
Thus the thoughts racing in our heads continue when the lights are out and everything is so fucking dead silent. If we as men could harness the brain activity and emotional exercise we use in those dark hours of the night, we could move mountains. If we utilized our minds as hard and diligently as we do then, all the time, then it would be absolutely spectacular. I think that’s what the other 90% of our brain is for: thinking about all the different possibilities that may come from lying in a bed next to someone you somewhat fancy, how to achieve all of those outcomes, what would the result be of those outcomes tomorrow morning and further down the road, and if we really care about the long termed stuff at all. All those thoughts in addition to paying attention to every move, breath, stir, sound, and smell of the object of your momentary obsession exercises your brain to its absolute capacity. As much as we think about it, we all know that it isn’t as complex as all that. All the person has to do is put their arm around you and the millions of possibilities are narrowed down to one. I’m so happy to know that my brothers in the same-sex oriented world deal with the same struggles as I do. It truly is a universal phenomenon and something I wish to discuss immediately with my lesbian friends.