Straight Guy Lesson #1- Welcome Aboard!

This will be the first in a series of lectures welcoming you, the “straight” male new hire flight attendant, to the airline world.

The way it works is very simple.  You will not be taken seriously as a “straight” male flight attendant until you pass a series of tests.  First and foremost, if you can go your first year without touching another man’s penis then your friends, family, and colleagues MIGHT stop making air quotes when they talk about their “straight” male flight attendant friend/son/coworker/neighbor/lover.  Most definitely you’ll be met with disbelief and skepticism.  You are guilty until proven innocent.  You are gay until proven straight, but don’t overtly flaunt your straightness, it’ll seem like you doth protest too much.  You’ll hear phrases such as: “closet close” and “in denial”.  That’s fine, just let it roll off your back.  Let’s face it, you are a minority and people will let you know that every day of your working life.  Learn to love the gays.  You’re on their island and they can make your life miserable or wonderful.  If you play your cards right you’ll have the best wingman a single straight boy could ask for.  Having a good-looking, stylish gay man on your side when you walk into any bar in the world will only help your cause.  They don’t give a shit about impressing girls so they’ll be confident and completely at ease with even the hottest, most unobtainable babe.  You can just take the backseat and let your new best friend do all the work.  At the end of the night he’s not going to be an option for her so there ya go!

For the first few months your same-sex oriented coworkers will hit on you, don’t think they won’t, even though your airline might have strict rules about saying and doing inappropriate things on the job.  Please, no one follows those rules.  That’s why we all got into the business of international man of mystery and intrigue in the first place right?  Be flattered and appreciative, no doubt, but also be polite and unwavering in your declination.  After awhile you’ll be down with the gays but not a “closet case” or “in denial”.  They’ll accept you as their token straight friend and all will be right with the world.  Within the job you’ll be stripped of your air quotes but you’ll still have to work on the general public’s opinion of you.

This concludes the first lesson.  Just remember the essentials:  you have a gay job or at best, a girl’s job.  It will always be like that.  Don’t try to upset the balance of the profession.  Go with the flow and don’t touch anyone’s penis unless that’s who you are.  Don’t do it just to fit in with the crew.

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4 responses to “Straight Guy Lesson #1- Welcome Aboard!

  1. Your posts about this topic actually is very offensive. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you that. I am not saying this because I am gay. I am saying this because it is offensive and it should not matter weather I am gay or not.

    • should say “Your posts about this topic actually ARE very offensive.” Also it’s WHETHER not WEATHER. Sorry to offend you. My gay friends don’t seem to think that I’m being cruel or offensive. They’re the ones that I’m worried about offending. And since I’ve been a flight attendant for 16 years I probably have more close gay friends than you do. As long as they keep giving me the thumbs up, I don’t feel like I should stop just because a total stranger doesn’t get my attempt at humor.

  2. lol. this is so embarrassing. haha. before this, i always used “weather” when I meant to say “whether”. all this time i thought it was spelled “weather” hahah lol thank you for correcting me. now i know. mmm. i dont know. I guess Im just slightly offended because this is the first post I read from you and i was caught off guard of how you seem to be warning straight guys about gay people in this profession. like its something to watch out for or like i said, beware of. i believe that if your hot, people will hit on you, gay or not.

    but yea, youre entitled to your opinion and its cool that your gay friends dont mind these posts. Im sorry. i really dont mean to come off as a hater or anything.

    Thank you again for correcting my english.

    • haha no worries about the whether/weather convo. To this day I have a huge problem writing out lower-case p d and bs. I guess it’s a form of dyslexia.
      I’d say about once a year I have someone who has a problem with my blog or the idea of it, and usually what I do is send a private email to them and have a little chat. Every time but one, at the end of the exchange the person realizes that I’m not a homophobic asshole and that I’m just having fun poking fun at everyone attached to the airline industry- myself included. One guy was just not going to be won over so I had to just let it go and let him hate me. Luckily I found out from other people at his airline that he has many enemies, not just me. I’m not out to offend and I love my job and most of the people I work with. I honestly don’t care about anyone’s religion, skin color, sexual orientation or whatever, as long as they’re nice. I don’t understand why people get so bent out of shape about those sort of things. Life is way too short to worry about what other people are doing or how they’re living. Live and let live.

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