Typical Domestic Day

Three more legs until I’m home.  This will be a long day; every flight has been oversold for weeks.  That is one ugly word, OVERSOLD.  Cramped irritable people all over the place, it’s only a matter of time before the claustrophobic ones in the middle seats go insane and their heads explode.  I know I do when I have to sit there, especially in that torture devise window seat right in front of the window exits.  Not only do those seats not recline, they even sit more erect than any other seat on the plane.  I think it may even lean forward.  I’m not positive but that angle might be acute.  With a full boat we have no overhead bin space at all.  The last people on have to check their luggage.  Telling them that is like telling them their children will be tortured with chains and knitting needles.  The passengers in the back don’t get a choice of meal entrée, even if they get what they would have chosen, the fact that there was no choice is too nazi-istic for them.  Damn spoiled, ugly Americans.  You must have a separate, detached reality you can slip into when you are driven to the edge.  I’m looking down the barrel of a gun standing at the front of the plane looking back, twenty-two arrogant Baby Huey’s in First Class and one hundred sixty-six whining babies in coach, stuck like prisoners in a flying slave ship to hell.  There should be oars sticking out of the vessel and I should be yelling orders with the megaphone.  It’s not good for your sanity being on too many flights like this with passengers like these.  Every once in a while they say things that are so stupid, it almost makes it fun, like when they ask which way the plane’s going.  “Is the cockpit in the front or the back on this particular aircraft?”  Actually ma’am, this plane doesn’t have a cockpit, there’s just a guy on the ground with a remote control that’s controlling our flight path.  We found it’s cheaper this way to forgo the Captain’s salary as well as his first officer’s and just hire a model airplane expert to do the navigation.  They usually do it for minimum wage, but today we’re in luck because this guy’s just a trainee.  He’s doing this one for free!  Just remember that when you get a cheap ticket from the Internet, it’s because we cut out the high costs of pilots.  That and the fact that this is a solar-powered aircraft have made it possible for you to fly from Salt Lake City to Chicago for the low low price of whatever your cheap ass paid.  There are some trying passengers, but I try to be nice.  If they ask for multiple drinks, I give it to them without rolling my eyes like some other flight attendants do.  Without them we wouldn’t even have a job and I try not to lose sight of that.

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