Straight Guy Lesson #7 Hitting on Passengers

Women love a man in uniform.  That is, unless it’s a flight attendant uniform.  Then it changes to Women laugh at a man in uniform.  It’s not stylish.  It doesn’t flatter.  It doesn’t demand respect.  It doesn’t make women want to rip off their clothes.  Other men in uniform just have to put on their rags, stand on a street corner, and girls will swoon: policemen, firemen, pilots, military men, athletes.  We don’t have that power, not at all, not even a little bit.  In fact we have to work extra hard to compensate for the layers of cheap Polish polyester blend we drape ourselves in.  I hate wearing the uniform.  I feel like I don’t have a personality in it.

There is a plus side to the uniform though, if you’re extremely good at rationalizing things.  It’s this: You will never look worse than you do in your uniform.  That’s rock bottom.  If you can impress a passenger while wearing that ridiculous thing then you’ll really like your odds for when she sees you in something a little more comfortable, a little more you.  It can only improve from that first impression.  This is true with your coworkers as well.  We all look the same on the plane but when everyone meets at the hotel bar for drinks later, you get to see who people really are.  If you do have a personality, or a little bit of style, then that will go a long way.  First though, you need to set up that second meeting.  It doesn’t matter how cool you look or how charming you are over dinner if you can’t take the relationship off the plane.

The biggest weapon you have being a flight attendant is that you must talk to everyone.  It’s your job and you have to do it.  It’s really the only advantage we have over the pilots, access to the cute passengers since they’re locked up in the cockpit for their safety.  You really don’t need an opening line, you can say or ask anything you want and they pretty much have to answer you.  I think it’s a federal violation if they don’t.  Use that to your advantage.  Threaten that the police will meet the flight if they don’t answer you when you ask their sign.  Show them the flex cuffs.

There’s no rush in talking to a cute passenger, they’re stuck with you for a predetermined period of time so you can come up with a plan of attack.  It’s not like seeing someone at a bar and not knowing how long they’re going to be there.  Time is on your side.  A word of warning though, if you sit on your  jump seat and there’s a potential target right in front of you while you’re getting ready for take-off, there’s a ratio between the amount of time you wait before you say something and how quality the comment needs to be.  Just like anywhere else, even if you say something boring right off the bat, it’s much better than if you sit there uncomfortably for a few minutes and then say the same lame thing.  If you wait a little too long then it’s obvious that you’ve been thinking of what to say so it’d better be gold.  You need to come off as the type of person who talks to anyone and everyone.  When in doubt, just ask the person if they’re going home or away from home.  It’s normal and harmless and starts a conversation, plus you get to find out where the person lives.

The ability to give out amenities is huge.  ”Free Drinks” is a classic tactic and will never go out of style.  It costs you nothing.  It’s not like at a bar where you have to part with your hard earned cash.  Let the airline pay for your social experiment. Girls like drinks and the alcohol will cloud their judgement.  I rarely date passengers but every time it’s happened, “Free Drinks” was how it all got started.  Upgrading someone to First Class is a bold move and usually reeks of desperation.  If the girl is traveling with a friend or a small group and you can upgrade all of them, then that’s a different story.  They’ll all be thrilled and you can just sit back while they all praise you to no end.  You can single-handedly get their big trip off to an epic start and they will never forget it.

If you’re lucky the passenger you like will come to the back of the plane so you can do your flirting in private.  While they’re waiting for the occupied bathroom is the absolute best time to talk to someone.  They’re stuck.  Even if the bathroom is Vacant, lock it when you see her heading back.  That will give you a few minutes before you “figure out” that there really isn’t anyone in the Occupied lavatory.  If they stick around after they use the facilities instead of going straight back to their seat then that’s a pretty big indicator that she’s keen.

Next to that, pray that she’s on the aisle so you can kneel beside her and have a conversation without disturbing anyone else.  You don’t want anyone to listen to you openly flirt, that can get awkward.  The worst situation is when they’re sitting at the window and you have to talk over two strangers.  You have to really want to ask her out if you’re going to put yourself through that hellish public spectacle.  If you’re talking to someone at the window then it’s not just her row that will be able to hear you.  The row in front and behind will also be listening and watching the whole scene play out.  That is your last resort and usually happens after the Captain has told the flight attendants to “Prepare for Landing.”  No more chances of her going to the bathroom, it’s now or never.

Your girl coworkers are in that lucky position to where the job and uniform add to a universal male sexual fantasy.  Just being there live and in-person makes them desirable.  Only deviants fantasize about male flight attendants.  It won’t be as easy for you but you’ll still get plenty of chances to meet people from all over the world.  Just play it cool and remember that you’ll fail more than you succeed, and that’s okay.  If a girl shoots you down then just wait a few hours and you’ll get a whole new batch of passengers stuck in a small space with you for hours at a time.  Eventually you’ll get one of them drunk enough from free vodka tonics to give you their phone number.

You know what… Now I’m thinking it may be a good thing to ask out a passenger in front of a crowd.  Who would break someone’s heart in public like that- kinda like how the girl always acts like she’s going to say Yes when she’s proposed to via jumbo-tron.